today is good day

Behind the Wall

Why people don't get along or understand each other: easy. You go into the bathroom. Immediately, you feel the presence of another man in the stalls. You are both in a private room that accommodates both your needs. He's presumably shitting. However, you don't have to do that -- you just have to urinate, so you sidle up to the urinal. It's simple and you get started. Meanwhile, the dude still has to shit. This is the act of aligning and forcing a nunchuck-sized amount of fecal matter out of a small, hard-to-see hole. He gets started. He's lining it up. And the sounds! Good lord! A cacophony! It's internal, you know! Your head almost rears back in disdain because you're just taking a wiss. Meanwhile, dude is knocking out a musical, grunting, groaning, tract-inverting shit! You're alienated, offended and bemused, and he doesn't care -- he's in the thick of that shit. He doesn't even know you're out there!

Explaining all our difficulties is really that simple.

Sweep the Leg

Like jujitsu, he said; the belt colors
melt over me and are no help. Melt in my hand
At a game who plays not, for he cannot choose
From among the smoking gun. This trigger finger
Stands for life, and wiggles and wobbles,
East or west, north or south, we all fall down
A stranger who walks beside me. O no,
Boots to galoshes, what has it gots in its pocketses?
On the outskirts of some suburban carnival,
The candy cane you drop and never say is mine, yours!
Some day I'll claim to you how all used up
I am because of you but in the meantime the ride
Continues. Everyone is along for the ride,
It seems. Besides, what else is there?
The reindeer games? True, there are occasions
For red and white uniforms and a special list
Kept secret from the mothers. The lines
Are duly sliced. I know all this
But can't seem to keep it from affecting me,
Every day, all day. I've tried recreation,
Reading until late at night, video games
And chick-lit.
One day a man called while I was out
And left this message: "You got the whole thing wrong
From start to finish. Luckily, there's still time
To correct the situation, but you must act fast.
See me at your earliest convenience. And please
Tell no one of this. Much besides your life depends on it."
I thought nothing of it at the time. Lately
I´ve been looking at old-fashioned plaids, fingering
Starched white collars, wondering whether there’s a way
To get them really white again. My parents
Think I’m in London, London, France, that is.

Worsening Situation (John Ashbery)

Like a rainstorm, he said, the braided colors
Wash over me and are no help. Or like one
At a feast who eats not, for he cannot choose
From among the smoking dishes. This severed hand
Stands for life, and wander as it will,
East or west, north or south, it is ever
A stranger who walks beside me. O seasons,
Booths, chaleur, dark-hatted charlatans
On the outskirts of some rural fete,
The name you drop and never say is mine, mine!
Some day I'll claim to you how all used up
I am because of you but in the meantime the ride
Continues. Everyone is along for the ride,
It seems. Besides, what else is there?
The annual games? True, there are occasions
For white uniforms and a special language
Kept secret from the others. The limes
Are duly sliced. I know all this
But can't seem to keep it from affecting me,
Every day, all day. I've tried recreation,
Reading until late at night, train rides
And romance.
One day a man called while I was out
And left this message: "You got the whole thing wrong
From start to finish. Luckily, there's still time
To correct the situation, but you must act fast.
See me at your earliest convenience. And please
Tell no one of this. Much besides your life depends on it."
I thought nothing of it at the time. Lately
I´ve been looking at old-fashioned plaids, fingering
Starched white collars, wondering whether there’s a way
To get them really white again. My wife
Thinks I’m in Oslo- Oslo, France, that is.

Walk the Duck

Old News

Extreme Kissing Detection Product Now Available:
click here for the whole unbelievable story

success * the show so far * more success

The Perils of Art

From today's New York Times:

"People have blamed a million things for the supposed decline of American theater: the movies, the lack of government support, the coarsening of the culture, etc., etc. But here is another theory: that the currently running Broadway musical “Xanadu,” based on the famously atrocious 1980 movie, is simply disabling everybody one by one."

Roller skating musicals. They are not for the weak.

It Takes A Weatherman

Amusing conversation provokes thought.

Bless me, oh lord, for I have seriously sinned. I rotted my brain for a least a good hour watching Rock of Love*.

*For those of you not in the know, as I'm sure you are spending much more wisely than I am, Rock of Love is a spin-off of the critically acclaimed Flavor of Love. Brett Micheals, former front man of Poison whittles down a selection of quality women (read: Band whores) via a battery of dates/ humiliating competition in order to get to his one true love.

Proof of the rot came when a partner and I used the commercial break to entertain an intellectual conversation. During the broadcast, one of the contestants engaged in a heated argument with another contestant. Party number one launched a vicious attack at party number two claiming, and I quote, "I saw you sucking Brett's [Micheal] cock." What I wanted to know was, would it be more offensive to be accused of "sucking someone's cock" or "sucking someone's dick." She argued that the words were interchangeable stating that in either scenario, she could gather enough offense with either version of the accusation.

I argued that "dick" and "cock" were not interchangeable citing there was no such thing as a dickroach or a dick-a-doodle.

Clearly, this was not an argument to be won. Clearly, I should stop watching tv.

I regret to inform you all

Elvis Mitchell will not be joining this blog. He made his regrets known to me through his agent on this day, September whatever it is, 2007. We will try to carry on.

turtle power

holy smoked turbot

look right (and up)... see that... yes. the kissing thing? click "more success". we're starting to get some viral traction. some mainstream sites are buying into it. so be sure to go there if you haven't and digg or whatever it. this is our "war of the worlds" except stupider and with far less effort. but still. fun.

living in fear of teen family member?

who isn't? (click now)

Why We Lie

Usha Sutliff
David Livingstone Smith

Both from 2005...

So The Sad Tale

So the sad tale a last time told they sat on as though turned to stone

Every Picture Tells A Story Don't It?

E-flipping out

The act of going into a complete tirade via a string of violent e-mails. Over nothing. Best viewed in complete context through g-mail.



This is Nikola Tesla. He invented wireless telegraphy. I ponder if there was ever such an incident of wirelessly telegraphing a tirade. Most likely to Alexander Graham Bell. Google cites no such incident.

Bourbon and branch

What I've noticed is that even a little bourbon and water, while pleasant in the evening, becomes less pleasant the following morning. Has anyone looked into this?