Wednesday, April 24, 2013

White Burgundy 2010 Vintage - LeFlaive, Sauzet, Bonneau du Martray

Yes i am very very excited about this wine. I have been comparing 2010 white burg since the vintage was first released. i have tasted a LOT of different 1er cru. I've not had any grand cru from 2010 so i only know 1er cru. However, there are only 3 wines of all the whites I've tasted that I am excited and would buy more than 1 bottle. That is Sauzet Combettes and Martray. $130 is a fair price for those wines. I would never pay $100 for the champs canet however from sauzet. Not when the combettes is $130 and it is vastly superior. Likewise I would never pay $170 for Le Moine Corton when Martray is $130. Now we come to Le Flaive.

I actually think it is special not because it's so powerful or dense or overwhelming. Actually I believe it's better because it's more authentic. I actually found the Sauzet more aggressive on the attack and longer in the finish. So what's better about the LeFlaive? Well the flavor. Is simply better! :)

I don't know how else to explain it. The Combettes from Sauzet is wonderfully crafted. But the minerality dominates. I think LeFlaive finds the perfect balance between minerality for grip and power. Yet the flavor is not so mineral that it's chablis-like. It's more like 65%chablis 35% meursault. And to me that is more enjoyable. I also feel like Leflaive does a great job of NOT trying to hard. Just let the grapes give what they want to give and do not try to impose your will onto the grapes. This is like in sports. You take what the defender gives you. In football, basketball. Anything. Defender goes one direction you go the other. As opposed to these barbarians like Rolland in Bon Pasteur imposing themselves on the grapes. Making them do unnatural things. No, LeFlaive understands and respects the grapes. This is what I take from this one experience. Perhaps I am overreacting? I don't know. But I can tell you this. I am basically done with every other producer besides Sauzet and LeFlaive. If I cannot have those two, I will just have beer! 

Monday, April 1, 2013

List of Films I Seen in Fall 2012

True Grit (2010)
True Coen affected style. Meh. It’s entertaining, but it’s no revelation. The comfort food of cinema.

The Long Good Friday (1980)
Yes this is like the alternate universe UK version of Cassavetes’ “Killing of a Chinese Bookie”. Seriously. See both. Know what I mean. I know what I mean. Good film. Solid. Fits right in its era.

Sherlcok Holmes (2009)
The one with Morton Downey Jr. Very boring. Guy Ritchie is not a good director.

History of Violence (2005)
Music reminds you of Contempt (1963), no? Sure it does. The film is okay, but it’s not something I would ever watch twice or even tell someone else to watch. It’s just okay. The acting (apart from the main co-leads) is so wooden I am forced to comment. Similar themes already covered more convincingly in Contempt (1963), Straw Dogs (1971) and probably countless other films. This is not a bad movie. Just not nearly as interesting as other Cronenberg films. I noticed a lot of critics raved about this film. They are wrong.

Flame and Citron (2006)
I just love mads mikelson I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It’s a perfectly suspenseful film. Not sure if anyone needs to go out of his/her way.

Time Crimes
Another? Quirkly seemingly underbudgeted but strangely compelling ?unassuming science fiction movie not made in the United States by the United States or for the United States. I enjoyed it. I won’t watch again. But I’m sure I wanted to see the ending. I have no clue what it was about.

The Big Lebowski (2000)
I enjoyed the film. I admit. Okay. Fine. But it’s not on the level of other cult films,  and people shouldn’t be talking about this or the Coen Brothers as much as they do. Just go see Withnail & I (1987) or Donnie Darko (2001), both of which are better films than this, and get back to me. I’m sure in 2000, this film would have seemed more interesting than it does to me today. The Steve Buscemi effect (also known as The Buscemi Pathos): definition: every film with Steve Buscemi in it takes on of a certain quality or timbre of pathos, which cannot occur without [Steve]. However, because the effect is so powerful, like a black hole, no film with [Steve] can transcend or escape the resulting phenomenon.

Battle Royale (2000)
Seems almost Korean. Worth it just for the occasionally (unintentionally?) hilarious line. “I’ve always hated you. Now die.”

The sequel Battle Royale (2003) I only watched the first half.

Gozu (2003)

Okay so i just saw a film called "Gozu" made in 2003 by a craZy japanese director. Wow. Two things. One. Shades of Juzo Itami's tampopo (1985), which was equally disjointed vignette structure and also effective for it. And two. This is way better than the latest Cronenberg pap. Which i saw. And which I think is pap. I think Cronenberg may have peaked many years ago. Unless I'm just missing something. Gozu is a beautiful film. Ostensibly about Yakuza but it really transcends. Has as much to do with Yakuza as Tampopo did cooking, which is some or maybe a lot actually. Whatever. 

The Man of the Year (2003)
Compelling. Gritty. Good. So are some candy bars. Why do I feel like I’m watching  Scarface (1983)? I cannot be too unreserved with my praise. A lot of chaos in the unfolding. So it’s not actually totally straightforward and is perhaps deceptively impressionistic. It might be interesting to compare this film to Drive (2011). In spite of whatever shortcomings it has or may have, the social commentary seems very genuine. Rather than a top down lecture on law and order in early 21c Brazil, we get more an embedded view from inside. So the picture may be blurry, at times, out of focus, even out of bounds. It all seems quite real, mostly. A less con-fabricated and therefore excusable version of Amores Perros (1996). What I found on the internet is others have compared this to City of God (2002), which I probably should now see. Okay I’ve now seen City of God (2002). What a disaster. Oh dear. No. That isn’t art. That is glitzy docudrama about Brazilian slums, which is probably about as truthful as an Oliver Stone film. The Man of the Year (2003) is a serious artwork. Like it or not. Thank god for comparators. 

Okay I'm not finished. City of God is like some kind of documentary that thinks it's that awful american film "Traffic" which was awful. Film seems put together by a subcontracted Nike ad producer/team and almost entirely devoid of any let alone an singular artistic vision. Changing to sepia for flashbacks? City of God what an annoying film. Made to appeal to video gaming children. City of Gamers?


Okay so back to The Man of the Year (2003). Two minutes of modern research suggests the filmmaker has only made two major films, with some TV work as well. When I first saw WITHNAIL & I (1987), immediately I was bursting to see more films by Bruce Robinson (happily starring Richard Grant). Disappointing then to not see the collaboration ever reach the same heights again. How to Get Ahead In Advertising is not bad, though.

But none of this means you shouldn’t see The Man of the Year (2003). And if you haven’t heard of it, then it’s overlooked. By you. I will not, however, say you need to see it. I won’t go that far. Because I don't know what else is happening in your life. Because I never ask, or maybe you’re just too distant. Anyway, so now we’ve got two good Brazil films! Who knows, maybe more! The Man of the Year (2003). And Senna (2010).

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
What can I say? It’s not as bad as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Or maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I should say it’s not better than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I hope this helps you. Wait. Let me do one better. Don’t see this film. Instead see Hellboy (2004) or Hellboy 2 (2008). Much better. Now we’re good.

The Dark Knight (2008)
Meh. Yes I know. Heath Ledger. Sure. Still meh.

Lady Vengeance (2005)

Chan Wook Park: Old Boy

Korean Peter Greenaway. Probably same thing I said about Old Boy. Lots of color and sensual cinematics. How is it different? More disjointed. More Korean? I found some moments in this film very amusing. Not sure if that’s the correct response. If you like Old Boy then you will like this film. I don’t feel I have anything useful to add, so I’m finished here.

Big Man Japan (2007)
Fucking hilarious. Full stop.

Dororo (2007)
The phrase “crazy whack funky” does not even begin…to describe this film. Do not tell @Carrie I said this. But this film is almost ridiculous. But it’s fun. But if you tell her I will definitely cut off your arm.

The Windmill Movie (2008)
I would really like to know if there was any intimacy between the widow and filmmaker during the making of this film. THAT is what I most want to know. The rest I get. The rest I get. Should you see this film? I have no clue. I saw it.

Man From Nowhere (2010)
Ridiculous adolescent vengeance flick. This is awful even by the standards of its own genre. Wow. I hate myself for watching this film twice.

Man From Nowhere (2010)
Yep. Terrible. Just terrible.

Naked City (Old)

Jules Dassin

Now this film I also saw twice. Again, because I forgot I’d already seen it until well into it. This could be brain rot or maybe this is what happens to people as they age. I don’t know what to do about this problem. Anyway, it’s fine. I mean that I saw this film again. It’s gritty and good, and in black and white. As a time capsule for looking into another world, in point of fact New York City, but it’s not the same New York City of today, so it’s somewhat irrelevant where it is. It’s just The Big City. But for me it doesn’t have the same degree of tension and urgency of Thieves Highway (also Jules Dassin), which I rate higher. It’s better than Law and Order, I can guarantee you that.

Sanshiro Sugata (1943)
Others have probably discussed technical issues with this film’s restoration. We could talk about cinematics in terms of Kurosawa’s career arc, but let’s not. The ending reminded me a little of Once Upon a Time in the West, where you have a duel take place between hero and baddie. Questions like, “Should we have to fight to the death for honor?” anticipate so many other films and quotes from films to follow. “If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is pun tang.” (Full Metal Jacket, 1983) This film has a notably more optimistic view of humanity, redemption as opposed to revenge, than the more hard-boiled reposts which come quickly to mind by the likes of Kubrick, Leone, Takeshi Kitano, and Kurosawa himself, later. [spoiler] After the duel, you could ask, but are no at all surprised, why the hero is so determined to not stay behind with the love interest. [/spoiler] If you are a fan of Kurosawa, I agree with the assertion by the Eclipse people this film is worth seeing.

Cul-de-Sac (1966)

Roman Polanski

Fantastic. Should be seen projected to bring out contrast in black and white film stock. Some of the themes about men and their wives remind me of Contempt (1963) and Straw Dogs (Dustin Hoffman). Polanski is great. I don’t care who he’s slept with. Hell I don't even care who I'VE slept with! Least not at this point.

Diary of a Lost Girl (1929)

G.W. Pabst

I saw Diary of a Lost Girl for the first time (the old Pabst film?) // wow // very long isn't it? but good. These old German films (silent and otherwise) by these old timers? Are really something else aren't they? and by something else i mean they are literally "something else". i can't even compare them to other films. they are so different in so many ways. the threads connecting them with other more familiar, more recent cinema cover such a span of time, surely. that my ignorance leaves me perplexed. delighted of course. because these are masterpieces, surely. there is such wonder. the cinematics in purely visual terms. and timeline terms. pacing. etc. but also the content. the "other worldly" of 20s german society coming directly through as though it were a time capsule.

These "very old" films. for me. are a good mix of work and pleasure. it really does take effort and concentration to view them. but there is much payoff. i think. both spiritually and intellectually for the undertaking. I need to see all of these old silent films wth. Why have I not done this? My experience sofar with the Germans is they all seem to rely on a great deal of suspense. They are so tight. Like a jack-in-the-box tight. The absence of spoken word is entirely irrelevant insomuch as it takes nothing away. Just different.

12 Monkeys (1995)

Terry Gilliam

Terry Gilliam films are always too long. But fine. It’s not bad. As far as Bruce Willis Science Fiction goes it’s certainly not as bad as The Fifth Element. Yikes. If that’s your favorite film on your dating website profile then we’re not dating. What 12 Monkeys does do, however, is give us a chance to talk about Lebbeus Woods. Google Terry Gilliam and Lebbeus Woods. Just do it. Good times. Obviously I have nothing important to say about this film. Brad Pitt overacts (Blame Gilliam for letting him? Blame Brad Pitt’s parents? Blame yourself, somehow?) and Bruce Willis is just a terrible great actor who should only be in Hollywood blockbusters. Why is Gilliam so insistent on using big name actors? Heath Ledger in Parnassus (2009)? And so on. Many great directors use big name actors, and this is fine. But the question which is not clearly answered for me is whether Gilliam’s films could be better without these actors? I’m not sure that “just because you can” is a good enough reason, if you’re Gilliam.

Judge Dredd (1995)
As bad as you think. Don’t question my viewing choices.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I have a blog?

I signed into blogger to post a comment on my friend's blog (reuler.blogspot.com - check it out) and see that "Best Blog Ever" is apparently MY blog. OUR blog? I had no idea. Look at me blog! Wow, that's such an unpleasant word. I understand why people would rather tweet - much easier on the ears.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Big Lebowski (2000)

I enjoyed the film. I admit. Okay. Fine. But it’s not on the level of other cult films and people shouldn’t be talking about this or the Cohen Brothers as much as they do. Just go see Withnail & I (1987) or Donnie Darko (2001), both of which are better films than this, and get back to me. I’m sure in 2000, this film would have seemed more interesting than it does to me today. The Steve Buscemi effect (also known as The Buscemi Pathos): definition: every film with Steve Buscemi in it takes on of a certain quality or timbre of pathos, which cannot occur without [Steve]. However, because the effect is so powerful, like a black hole, no film with [Steve] can transcend or escape the resulting phenomenon.

The Man of the Year (2003)

Compelling. Gritty. Good. So are some candy bars. Why do I feel like I’m watch Scarface (1983)? I cannot be too unreserved with my praise. A lot of chaos in the unfolding. So it’s not actually totally straightforward and is perhaps deceptively impressionistic. It might be interesting to compare this film to Drive (2011). In spite of whatever shortcomings it has or may have, the social commentary seems very genuine. Rather than a top down lecture on law and order in early 21c Brazil, we get more an embedded view from inside. So the picture may be blurry, at times, out of focus, even out of bounds. It all seems quite real, mostly. A less con-fabricated and therefore excusable version of Amores Perros (1996). What I found on the internet is others have compared this to City of God (2002), which I probably should now see.

Two minutes of modern research suggests the filmmaker has only made two major films, with some TV work as well. When I first saw WITHNAIL & I (1987), immediately I was bursting to see more films by Bruce Robinson (happily starring Richard Grant). Disappointing then to not see the collaboration ever reach the same heights again.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t see The Man of the Year (2003). And that if you haven’t heard of it, then it’s overlooked. By you. I will not say you need to see it, however. I won’t go that far. Because I don't know what else is happening in your life. Because I never ask or maybe you’re just too distant. Anyway so now we’ve got three! Brazil films. City of God (2002), The Man of the Year (2003) and Senna (2010). Surely some of us should see at least one of these films.

Contact Sheets

Contact sheets are when the photographer first takes a roll of film and develops multiple little pictures on a sheet in order to choose which ones to make into larger prints. No, I have no idea what they are. But that is my theory. About what they are. Yesterday I was at an art gallery in lower Manhattan where I was confronted.

The gallery had stuck a bunch of little wooden boxes on the wall. And put out these little magnification cones you could use to look at the contact sheets. Or anything I suppose. They didn't specify. Anyway it was nerdly fun to actually get involved like that rather than just drift past whatever large thing is on the wall like usual. Perhaps making a face or two as my contribution. Or maybe trying to impress someone? Probably myself? Perhaps recognizing one or two of the photos, out loud, from across the room. Even if I’m wrong, I can always walk up to the placard and go, “Oh yeah, of course, so and so.” It's a victory if I feel like it is.

But no, this do-it-yourself arrangement was even better than all that. What did I do with this new opportunity you ask? My first achievement was convincing a pair of (ethnicity withheld) tourists that what I was looking at was extremely interesting. I did this by emitting a variety of murmurs of ecstasy/delight/bewilderment while gazing intently through the little cone and thinking of some happy (albeit fabricated) memory from a childhood. Other memories would allow me to make a tiny old art crone pivot in place. A bald guy with a frontal fanny pack smile (though I cannot prove he wasn't smiling for some other reason; you can't prove anything; you weren't even there I was). And I think I may also have been the cause for a very pointed muttering. Very pointed.

Of course I immediately wanted to do something like that on the website, so other people could have the same fun time as I just did. But it wouldn’t work. You can’t look at a monitor through a cone and expect anything great to happen. They’re just aren’t the pixels for it. And plus nobody is walking around beside you. And this is what frustrates me so much about experiencing art, or anything, in life. Not everybody else gets to have the experience. Those people who couldn’t or wouldn’t or for whatever reason just didn’t go.

So my next plan was to send everyone I know a ticket to come to New York and see this thing. Which I did. But it still didn't work because I forgot that it dumped rain on us that day. Which forgot to recreate. So it just wasn’t the same.

New plan. I could get a contact sheet of my own and a magnifying lens. Then mail it to someone. They could have the experience, then mail it to someone else. And so on. Forever. Until somebody broke the lens. I told my lady friend who is sitting across from me in the coffee shop about this five seconds ago, and she has just reminded me how much everyone hates chain letters. Yeah. That’s true.

Anyway, here’s a link to a silly YouTube video.

August 2007

And when you realize that their activities are shabby, that their vocations are petrified and no longer connected with life, why not then continue to look upon it all as a child would, as if you were looking at something unfamiliar, out of the depths of your own solitude, which is itself work and status and vocation? Why should you want to give up a child's wise not-understanding in exchange for defensiveness and scorn, since not-understanding is, after all, a way of being alone, whereas defensiveness and scorn are participation in precisely what, by these means, you want to separate yourself from.

Think, dear Sir, of the world that you carry inside you, and call this thinking whatever you want to: a remembering of your own childhood or a yearning toward a future of your own - only be attentive to what is arising within you, and place that above everything you perceive around you. What is happening on your innermost self is worthy of your entire love; somehow you must find a way to work at it, and not lose too much time or too much courage in clarifying your attitude toward people.”

Rilke

yes but i argue the DVD is a mistake then. if it is worse than vinyl then we should not have switched.

and then once we have switched. we must work with the tools of our time.

if not because they are better

but because that's what's available

and good luck finding everything you want on real film... or vinyl...

?\!?

i’m repeating myself

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Charlie Bronson (2006)

I watched a weird ass movie tonight on Netflix. About Britain’s most notorious prisoner. Yeah. It’s weird. It’s like “Naked Lunch” meets “A Clockwork Orange”. Srsly. It’s weird. But compelling. I can’t NOT recommend it. Let us say. So. The directors I see this guy emulating are, 1) Kubrick 2) David Cronenberg 3) others I haven’t thought of? 4) He himself mentions Tarkovsky in one interview. Um…that’s pretty large talk there Mr Refn. The question is whether he will emulate less and bring something more definitely original to the party.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Martial Arts Films in the 2000-2010 decade.

13 Assassins – meh.
Ip Man – stupid.
Ip Man 2 – stupidr.
Iron Man 2 – I was depressed.
The Warrior’s Way – actually not that bad.
Bunrako (2010) – Guy Moshe // This is good. Better than Tarantino. Not as good as Takeshi Kitano. This film is actually fun. It’s got the same number of filmic references as Tarantino. But the difference is the references are canonical, not simply idiosyncratic. Somehow I think that means something. Or should I say, “That’s the spirit.”

TV Doctor Who - You Know What This Will Ask

I used to think Tom Baker because that’s who I remembered as a kid, and also the general consensus. But I think maybe that was because the general consensus of people talking about such things happens to just be my same age. So I got into it again because, well, because. And then I thought David Tennant. And then I thought, well poor Matt Smith never had a chance. Then I thought, yes he did? He does have a chance. And the person who I had completely no interest in whatsoever in the beginning of my monologue, is now my favorite. David Eccleston. I think of the three recent doctors, Eccleston is the most like the spirit of the doctor I remember.

Special mention to John Simm for his playing of The Master. Those episodes were very memorable, I thought.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Her face was awful

but it didn’t matter. He’d screwed worse. He just needed anyone. Who would. Who. Oh, anyone. Her.

And besides she had better CDs.
He liked that.
Everyone noticed.

And when she threw him out.
They noticed that too.
They said, “Man she had—”
“I know.”
“Just saying she really—”
“Thanks.”

Later, in EAST Brooklyn.

You can smell the onions from the apartment below at 6pm every night. We’re not usually there. We’re usually still at work. But it’s happening. The onion odors come up between the walls. They are little particles too small to measure. But they go up your nose. It only takes one or two. You’ll be walking across the street to that Middle Eastern place at 7pm. And it won’t be the same as what you imagined. When you smelled the onions from your neighbors’.

They don’t just have onions. They have other things. They have a routine. They have each other. My anxiety doesn’t allow me a routine. It says, “No you can’t” and “Try this instead.” I throw pills at it. They scatter on the floor. Maybe they are not the right pills. Maybe if I had better CDs?

“I hate gmail’s new interface.”
“Enough to kill someone?”
[pause]
“Imagination is better than real.”
“Yes.”
“Ever since.”
“Ever since.”
“I’m sorry I threw you out.”
“Thanks.”
“But you were such a bad person.”
“Thanks.”
“Really. But now that you’re out I can help you.”
“Thanks.”
“Here are some CDs.”

Monday, October 31, 2011

since i don't make anything new i'll just post an old review of a messican restaurant i wrote like 10 year ago

El Tiempo (Richmond)
Ambivalent. I am ambivalent. Strong margaritas, but they damn well should be at these prices. Wait a minute. I think it’s time to discuss margaritas. I’m tired of people heaping praise on restaurants for having good margaritas. I’m sorry but it’s just not that hard to make good margaritas. Frozen limeade, ice, tequila, triplesec (if you have it) and a blender. People who crave it. Not that difficult to please. That said, El Tiempo’s margaritas were a hell of a lot better than Donneraki’s rip-offs, which were the most expensive and nearly the weakest in the city. Getting back to ET, the red and green dipping sauce for the chips is very good, and the dark tables and atmosphere are as close as you’ll get without actually driving to Nuevo Laredo (which by the way I can no longer recommend unless you bring your bullet proof vest and take out a nice life insurance policy). Cool enough to use the color-rimmed Mexican glassware, but not cool enough to use the kind with the gripping dimples. This review has gone astray. The chili rellenos were like poblano corn dogs. Pathetic. Corn dogs!!!

The mari queso is very good as are the jalapeño sausage enchiladas. - GH

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Oct 30, 2011 – 11:10am
You grew up in Houston? I used to go to Houston and Dallas with my grandparents. I grew up in Kansas City. My grandfather sold meat so there were road trips to Dallas, Houston, Tulsa, Oklahoma City. I mostly remember there were giant shopping malls and I think one of them had a skating rink in it in Houston. And bigger hair and more make up than KCMO.

Oct 30, 2011 – 12:18pm
yup. i can proudly say i've never actually gone ice skating in the galleria. but it definitely was an institution growing up. going to that mall. because that's where everything a little suburban kid cares about is. video games. music stores. i mean. remember. no internet. :) different world. there was even a "novelty shop" there where you could buy your novelty gag items. which now as an adult. um. yeah. now mostly i just wonder when death comes, if i will accept it or what i will feel. different times.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Сталкер

I'm watching Stalker dubbed in English. Does that make me an asshole?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears


I checked with Carol at the mini-golf hut and no pants were found on the fence.

Massanutten is a small community in Virginia, US, with a population currently comprising of two thousand old people, their cats, one Australian on a tourist visa, his beautiful partner, and a dog named Further.
Being an Australian, the town of Massanutten is like another planet to me. A heavily wooded planet founded by Norman Rockwell and colonised by John Deere tractor owners with a vision that included water slides and mini-golf.
Along with mini-golf, water slides, old people, cats, one Australian, his partner and a dog named Further, Massanutten apparently has bears. I haven't seen any yet but that is only, I assume, due to most people following rules outlined in section 9 of the MPOA Agreement which states:
No trash may be put out before Sunday evening. Any trash not in a secured trash container or trash dispersed by animals may be picked up by MPOA employees and owner may be billed for cost. Bear proof trash cans have been provided at Hopkins Park and the MPOA pool located on Peak Drive for overflow or early check-out trash.




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 11.04am
To: mpoa@massanuttenvillage.com
Subject: Bears

Dear Sir and/or Madam,
I have received a request for seventy-five of my dollars for putting my trash out for collection without securing it inside a bear-proof container. Due to a series of events the night before, I forgot to put my trash out and had to run it out the next morning after hearing the collection truck approach.
As regulations govern only actions within certain defined limits and thereby justify all similar actions that lie outside those limits, I request that my offence is changed from 'unsecured trash' to 'secured trash barring the possibility of bears formulating a strategy in which to take advantage of the few minutes between deposit and collection.'
Regards, David.
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 5.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Bears

Hello Mr. Thorne

Section 9 of the MPOA Agreement which you would have signed clearly states that trash must be secured.
The reason we have these rules is so that bears and other large animals are not attracted to the area. This is for everyones safety. All bear sightings should be reported immediately to the MPOA. A ladys cat was almost bitten by a bear just a few weeks ago near the mini golf course.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 9.12pm
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,
Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for bears than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 9 of the MPOA Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats, and their elderly owners, be kept in bear-proof containers.
While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local bear problem. After reading that a bear recently ate a ladies cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through the Massanutten mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three metre fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my back pants pocket on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before managing to wriggle out of them - dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my jumper and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like Hammer pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mâché boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those pants as they fit really well and cost me around seventy-five dollars.
Also, as per your instructions to report bear sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologise for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact bears constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span and would prefer a quick death such as removing my helmet in space, I request you send assistance immediately.
Regards, David.



From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bears

I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that.


From:
David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2.51pm
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

If Carol from the mini-golf hut has time to check the perimeter for pants, why not send her? While issuing me a seventy-five dollar fine by justifying it is for the safety of others, you seem pretty quick to dismiss mine. As people rely on your protection from bears and your position consists entirely of not waiving fines issued to ensure the compliance of regulations that protect people from bears, you should probably send out a memo or something stating that we are on our own in an emergency situation. On the back of the memo, you could include instructions on making a pointy stick to protect ourselves with.
I own a gun but am unsure if a bear, shot with a Daisy .177 calibre BB air rifle purchased from Wal-Mart for $39.75, would be wounded or just pissed off. While testing the rifle last week, my offspring was definitely the latter. I have heard that the best way to protect yourself during a bear attack is to roll into a tight ball and cover your face but I am pretty sure a flame-thrower or a special suit that metal spikes spring out of when you press a button would be more effective. I have also heard that music soothes the savage beast but the last time I sang Whitney Houston's 'The Greatest Love of All' to my offspring, it had the opposite effect despite what I considered to be an excellent reproduction of her tonal range.
Although wary, after reading recently that a bear ate a lady and her cat in the area, I decided to risk leaving the premises in order to drive to your office and pay the fine. Unfortunately, possibly due to an unsecured Snickers bar on the dashboard, the bear is now in my vehicle and I am unable to do so. Please send assistance immediately as I have also run out of cigarettes and need to drive to the shop. If you send Carol, please ask her to stop on the way and grab me a pack. While you may not class this as an emergency or possible danger to others, you haven't seen me after two hours without nicotine.
Regards, David.



From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 3.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

I wont be sending an officer because your not in any danger at all. You have obviously just put a blanket on a dog while it is sitting in your car and taken a photo. If you want to express your opinion on trash collection rules you are welcome to attend the next MPOA community meeting which is held each month. Not understanding the importance of bear safety doesnt mean you dont have to follow the rules. I'm not even sure what your point is.


From:
David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 4.22pm
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

My point is, barring the possibility of strategy formulating bears, stating my actions constitute a punishable breach of regulations structured to protect the community only enables you to be wrong with authority, not right.
Contrary to your statement, I do understand the importance of bear safety. Several years ago, I went camping with a few associates and thought it would be amusing to jump out of bushes while wearing a bear suit. Renting the only bear costume available, which was a koala, I altered it as best I could to make it look frightening by taping down the fluffy ears, adding sharp cardboard teeth and constructing two downward slanting eyebrows with electrical tape. While sitting around the campfire, I excused myself, donned the concealed costume and leapt out yelling 'Rawr'. Moments later, I realised the screaming and falling back off chairs was not due to wearing a bear costume but the fact I was standing in the fire while wearing a bear costume made of polyester. After a two-hour drive to the nearest hospital, I underwent three weeks of skin grafting on my left leg and six months hearing about how I ruined the camping trip. To this day, when anyone asks about the scars, I simply state "It involved a camping trip and a bear, I don't like to talk about it" which is true because I don't. While I was in the hospital, my mother went to my apartment to get some clothes for me and found my porn collection so it is a touchy subject.
Also, while I was able to persuade the bear to exit my vehicle by pretending to be an old lady looking for her cat, it is now inside my premises. Although not immediately evident from the attached photograph, the bear is sitting between myself and the television remote control, located on the cushion to its left. As this effectively cuts off my ability to change channels and The View just started, this should be classed as an emergency situation. If I wanted to watch a group of old women carry on, I would attend an MPOA community meeting.
Regards, David.



From:
Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Fine. I will waive the amount this time if you agree to make sure all your trash is secure in future.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.16pm
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

Regardless of whether you waive the fine or not, and despite conditional terms added to reassert authority, I will continue to secure trash correctly. Not because it is a rule, but because it is a logical rule to follow. Despite my continuing doubt as to the ability of bears to plan and execute manoeuvres requiring SWAT team precision, I will also do so regardless of the time frame between deposit and collection. Not because it is a logical rule to follow, but because it is a rule.
How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to email you the remaining eighty six photos of my dog dressed as a bear.
Regards, David..

From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Agreed.

 
AddThis Social Bookmark Button


If you want it, here, get an RSS thing.